I want to be in bed next to you, and wakeup with you next to me. I want to call you and tell you that I’ve changed my mind, we should be together, we can make this work… But I don’t, because I haven’t and we can’t. Because if we get back together I won’t wake up next to you, you are still on the other side of the country, I’ll still be just as lonely. Our friendship is what I hold on to, what’s keeping me from breaking down, but its also what makes me want all of you. I love you, but being in love with you is too hard, I need to keep reminding myself of this. Its better to hurt now and be able to work my way towards getting over you, towards someday getting to a place where I can start falling for someone else, instead of waiting for you to be all the things I need and all the things you are not. This isn’t going to work, we can be friends, I need your friendship. I want to see you and to kiss and to pretend you want me the way I want you. Pretend like for the past months you haven’t been rejecting my touch, pretend like you want all of me. I want to touch you and not have you pull away, I want to touch you without holding back, afraid to once again feel rejected. I shouldn’t feel rejected in a relationship. You tell me you don’t know why you don’t want me, that its just as hard for you. I don’t believe you and I resent you. I’m so mad, but I don’t want to be. We can’t be together because I can’t give up any more of me. I can’t keep pushing my feelings and my needs down, I want someone to crave my body like you used to. Why did you stop? When did I start sitting on the bathroom floor trying to hold my tears back, or cry with as little noise I could manage because my boyfriend, the person I’m supposed to trust with my heart, stop wanting all of me. When did I start doubting myself. I love you, but you aren’t worth all of that. I need to keep telling myself this, I believe it, but I need reminding. I can find a love that is easier than this. Our love used to be easier than this. I want to touch you, I think about it all the time. I remember I use to think about it all the time before too, but then I’d hold back, afraid of rejection, again. There is only so much I can take, I don’t want you back. I feel relief, I won’t be put in a position again where I doubt myself. Yet. I want you, I don’t yet know how to stop wanting you. I can’t be with you, I need better, I’ll find love again, love that hurts less. I don’t even need love right now, I want lust combined with like in someone that hurts less. I can find that. I need to give myself time to heal from you, time to start wanting someone else. Time, it takes time, but it will happen. Give it time. Make it through each day. We’ll get there.