I’m terrified of becoming my mother in relationships.

I don’t like saying this because I admire her in so many ways. She is such a strong woman in so many other sectors of her life, that I don’t understand the person she becomes in conflict with my father. She begins to act illogical. Everything I admire about her is lost in the critical and self conscious mess of their relationship. She is intelligent and beautiful, but she doesn’t recognize it when it comes to my father. She agonizes over the potential of his infidelity. Her insecurities obscure her ability to think critically. Every side ways glance, every remark from my father becomes oppositional. If his eyes passed over a woman; he was checking her out. Any remark he makes; it was a judgement of my mother. I can’t imagine the emotional toil this takes on her. I just want to shake her and tell her to stop being so suspicious, and that her self-doubt is unfounded. When she takes every remark my father makes as an insult, the arguments they get into become irrational. She becomes impossible to fight with because anything you bring up, no matter the validity, she outright denies. She takes small comments and spirals them into a conflict. I think a part of her realizes she’s being unjustified, but she just can’t stop herself.

That’s the trait I’m scared of perpetuating. I consider myself a reasonably logical person, and I’m terrified of reaching a point where my arguments become irrational. There are times when I’m in an argument, with a person I’m dating/ a friend/ a family member and I can’t help kindle a conflict I didn’t intend. Even worse, there are times I can’t help myself from making it worse. I think a big part of my mother’s frustrations with my father is due to a general frustration with how certain aspects of her life have turned out. I find myself making the same flaw in relationships, in not being able to distinguish a particular argument from my own general frustrations.