I’m going to start this blogging thing with a story:

Last night I was over at this guy’s apartment that I’ve been dating; let’s call him Well Intentioned. This past week our friend group has been going out and drinking till late then waking up early for work, so needed a more quiet night in. Earlier we’d all gone to a happy hour, then gone over to Well Intentioned’s apartment to drink some beers and watch some shows. Predictably the night went later than expected and once everyone left, we headed to his room. We were both tired, it was later than we’d planed to stay up, but we’d also not had sex in a few days and I wanted sex. — Relevant side note: We are both doing a summer research program that ends a week from yesterday, so in a less than a week we’ll be moving back to our very separate states and our relationship of sorts will end. side note over — The side note was to say, we (definitely at least me) want to take advantage of the time we have to have sex (as well as each others company ladi ladi da).

Well, we started hooking up which led to sex which shortly after led to Well Intentioned saying he was close to cumming since it’d been a few days. I was not close to coming, but I could have been given a little more time. So he came a little after saying that, and proceeded to fall asleep. I was no longer tired, I was horny and a little sexually frustrated since I did not get my chance to come. Before when he’s come quickly, he’d take a little time to charge, then we’d go for a round two were I’d get my chance to also be sexually satisfied. So I tried enticing him into round two, but he was tired and wanted to sleep….

Here is my problem with the situation: Well Intentioned and I have talked about the inequalities of sex between men and women. This seems a pretty obvious statement, but he’d at first said he’s never really thought about it… I don’t understand how a socially conscious person like him could have never really thought twice about how most intercourse situations between men and women end with the man cumming, whether or not the woman has and a lot of the times she hasn’t. It seems that women’s pleasures aren’t something men our age (early 20′s) seem to really concern themselves with, while from an early age women are bombarded with articles on “how to please your man” in ridiculous ways. Conversations Well Intentioned and I have had in the past included me asking him to think about long blow jobs he’s gotten have usually lasted, and how after fingering me for maybe a minute his hand got tired and he wanted to stop. This is something many of my friends have commented on; many guys our age go down on us for a few seconds maybe a couple minutes, get tired and give up, while blowjobs almost always last until the guy comes, and that can sometimes take a while. I’m not trying to make this into a competition. I like going down on a guy I’m interested in; I want to make him feel good; I will take my time to insure he gets as much pleasure from it as I can give him. I just want the same consideration back, I want someone to enjoy making me feel pleasure. I think guys want to make their women feel good, but a lot of them (once again from the demographic pool of people in their early twenties) are oblivious to the painfully obvious inequalities they perpetuate. So I’ve made it a responsibility of mine to inform those men I sleep with, of the social inequalities related to sexual acts and what they can do to better their experiences with me and also with their future partners. I’m not saying I’m doing a great job at this, I sometimes have trouble actually saying what I’m thinking (one of the reasons for this blog), but I’m working on it. One of the instances of me not doing such a good job at it, is last night:

… Where were we? Right, Well Intentioned had fallen asleep and I was wide awake and sexually frustrated next to him. I grumbled to myself for a bit waiting for him to read my mind and body signals while he was asleep in the dark. When that didn’t happen, I woke him up and asked him if he realized how unfair what went down was, that he’d gotten his pleasure from sex and disregarded mine after. He grumbled a sorry, and asked what I would have wanted him to do instead. I said that he could have given any sort of effort to be up a little longer so we could have had sex again. What I didn’t say, but should have said, is that the problem was not that he came too soon, or he was too tired after to go again so that I could have a chance of also reaching an orgasm. The problem is that once his orgasm was within reach, he disregarded mine. He could have done any of the following; once he’d realized/commented on the fact that he was close to cumming, he could have stopped having sex, payed a little more attention to my pleasure for a little bit, and then proceeded to come to completion; He could have put my sexual pleasure above his desire to sleep and gone a second round; Or maybe more reasonably (though I think all options are very reasonable), he could have acknowledged that he got his orgasm but I did not get mine and commented that since he was too tired to go again, he would make it up to me the next morning/ the next night/ in any form (massages always welcomed) at any time. What I don’t think he realized last night is that in the least, all I wanted was some sort of unsolicited acknowledgment that he would be sexually satisfied that night and I would not be. Instead I got a lethargic “sorry” that left me feeling unreasonable and unjustified guilt for even bringing it up, when what I was saying was legitimate and rational.